


Things I Couldn’t Say

by Mizugame



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: (minor) jily, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Modern Era, Post-Hogwarts, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:00:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23633500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mizugame/pseuds/Mizugame
Summary: (Post hogwarts non-canon compliant marauders modern AU. Remus is a huge disaster. The biggest disaster.)Sirius was always the one person who knew how to push all of Remus’s buttons. It’s probably why their relationship didn’t work out. Also because Remus never thought he was good enough for anything. Sirius has come back to town, and Lily’s invited both Remus and Sirius to a dinner party.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 67





	Things I Couldn’t Say

**Author's Note:**

> My other story is still continuing- I just got an idea for a one shot and wrote it! I hope everyone enjoys :)

*

Remus cracked one eye open and looked at the clock on his wall. Nine in the morning. It was way too early, but something had woken him up. 

Rolling over, he grabbed his buzzing phone without looking at who it might be. It was early, so that meant work. Even though today was his day off, it probably meant that someone was calling out and they needed him to come in. And he probably would go, even though he did wish they wouldn’t call him so early.

After Hogwarts, he had gone to a muggle university. It was becoming a bit more common these days, and wasn’t incredibly difficult to fake a high school transcript, some letters of recommendation from normal teachers, and then befuddle the poor admissions office into thinking they had already followed up on those. It really wasn’t half as bad as most of the shit they had gotten up to at Hogwarts, and honestly quite easy compared to mapping an unplottable location. The financial aid part was on the more morally ambiguous side, but he had made sure it mostly came in the form of low interest student loans – which he was paying back. No harm, no foul. 

Now he was working in a muggle bookstore not too far from his flat. He had studied literature at university, and then had gotten the job as a part time thing to help with money towards the later years, and just never left. It was easy, and he knew that if he tried getting a job in the wizarding world, he’d either have to jump through hoops to make sure no one ever found out about his lycanthropy, or find a job that was okay with it. And none of those existed, because he had checked. Now his job was in shifts, and during the weekdays it was easy enough to find someone to switch their weekend shift with his, and on the weekends he just had to promise someone a couple of pints the next time they went out after work. 

So he was expecting to hear the store manager’s voice on the phone – the same one who always asked him why he wasn’t moving on now that he had a degree, then joking about if he was keeping the job just to have time to write the ‘next great British novel’ – when he answered groggily.

“’Lo?”

“Remus! I hope I’m not bothering you!” A bright, cheery voice said. 

Definitely not his manager then. He rubbed his eyes a bit then looked at the name on the phone.

“Hi Lily, no, I’m just… well, I was still in bed.”

“At this hour?”

“You know it’s really not that late.”

“We’re in our late 20s now, Remus, most people wake up in the single-digit hours.”

“Well then most people are incorrectly living their lives.”

Lily was one of the few people he had kept in contact with on a regular basis since leaving Hogwarts. They had often met for coffee or dinner, occasionally with James in tow. It wasn’t that he had any bad feelings with anyone, everyone had just kind of gone their separate paths. And now James and Lily had a kid, so the dinner dates were getting less frequent.

“Well we’re having a dinner party at our house tonight, and James said you never responded to the invitation he sent you two weeks ago, and I told him it would be easier to just call you, but he still doesn’t really know how to work the phone,” at this Remus laughed and Lily sighed, “so I said I’d call you. And I already called your bookstore yesterday to ask if you were working so I know that you’re not. But it was already late so I decided to call you this morning. I hope you don’t already have plans.”

“Yeah, I honestly don’t remember the last time I checked my mailbox since I moved all the bills online,” Remus responded, wishing Lily hadn’t figured out his one excuse not to go would be a lie. 

It wasn’t that he didn't want to go; it was just that – well, that’s what it was. He didn't want to go. Everyone was nice of course, and he did enjoy catching up with and seeing everyone, he just felt a bit out of place most of the time. And a tad jealous. Some of the jobs people were doing at the ministry sounded very interesting. And useful. And purposeful. 

He remembered the last dinner party James and Lily had hosted that he went to, where Frank Longbottom had been asking him what he was doing now.

“I work at a bookstore,” he had responded.

“Oh that’s cool – like at Flourish and Blotts?”

“Ah, nope, just a muggle one.”

“Why?” Frank had asked and Remus knew he didn’t have any ill intentions behind the question 

And it was a very good question indeed. And not one he really wanted to dampen the mood of the party with. Why? Because sure, working at Flourish and Blotts sounded great, as did any other magical bookstore in Diagon Alley or Hogsmeade. Hell, any other job in the wizarding world sounded great, but somehow being a werewolf meant he was incapable of doing even the most mundane of tasks. And working at a muggle bookstore was easy. And he didn’t feel like an imposter or an outsider looking in when he was doing it. 

“So you’ll come then?” Lily interrupted his thoughts.

“I’m not really sure Lily, I…”

“Unless you have a good reason not to, then I’ll expect to see you here at 6. My parents are taking Harry so we really want to have a good time with all our friends. It’s been so long.”

“Does not wanting to go count as a good reason? I’m just a bit busy these days …” a boldfaced lie, “and I was looking forward to relaxing at home.”

“Well I also know that you’re not working tomorrow, so you can do that then.”

Why did Lily have to be so thorough?

“Fine I’ll stop by but I probably won’t stay for too long.”

“That’s no problem! Also, there’s one more thing…”

Remus rubbed his eyes again. “What is it?”

“Well Sirius is back in town and so he’ll be coming and James wanted to make sure that was okay with you.”

“Oh, I didn't know he had been out of town,” Remus thought he had pulled off saying that casually, but inside he was screaming.

Of course he knew that Sirius had been out of town. He sometimes got postcards from him on the occasional time he did check his post box from all the exotic locations where Sirius was off doing curse breaking. And it would be just like Sirius to be insensitive enough to send them. 

“So you don’t mind then?”

“No, of course not, I’ll see you at six,” another boldfaced lie. Of course he fucking minded.

“Great! I’m looking forward to it!”

“Yeah, me too,” Remus lied once more and ended the call.

Now what the fuck was he going to do? He hadn’t seen Sirius in years – maybe a good five or so at this point. And it was very short and very brief and very… impersonal. They had dated for a couple of years – starting in Hogwarts. Then they had moved into a flat together while Remus was studying. Sirius had never got how difficult things were for him, and was always asking why he was wasting time with “that muggle shit” when he could do magic, or bothering him around finals time because he wanted to do something and Remus was “being boring.” So they had ended it, and had promised to remain friends. Remus was absolutely sure they had no semblance of friendship anymore, but that time in his life had left him absolutely wrecked. 

Because that's how first love ends, doesn’t it? You say nothing and move on. You’re too young to realize the impact it had on your whole lie. Too young to recognize how powerful it really was. How it shaped you as a person. How it moved you to be better. To recognize love in all forms. To break down some of your walls. You spend your whole life building them up and it just takes one person, in your youthful fallacy, to tear them down. To show you the highest of highs, but right after comes the lowest of lows. And you feel it all. But it hurts. It hurts so much, so you build the walls right back up again. Numbness is preferable to the pain. For a while. So you end it with no words. Just distance. Just a goodbye. Maybe not even a goodbye. It’s just… gone. And you don’t even feel sad anymore, no, you feel nothing at all. And for a while, that feels better. Until you get a postcard from a curse-breaking mission in Egypt and then it doesn’t.

He had dated other people since then, but nothing had ever developed into something serious. Girls he had dated always said that he was cold or difficult to open up to. That was one of the biggest problems. People always wanted more from him than what he was able to give. Guys he had dated he had mostly met from the bookstore or in a cafe where he was reading something, and they had commented on it. A couple were even from his literature classes. So they all had this image of a soft, intellectual romance. Then they all got promptly put off when he was even the slightest bit aggressive or found something immature funny. That was the other problem, he had a really difficult time fitting into the boxes people were always trying to place him in. 

Things had been, yes, infuriatingly difficult with Sirius especially towards the end, but it was safe to say that Sirius knew him incredibly well, and was never really shocked by much. When he was having trouble saying how he felt, Sirius would always just hold him until he felt better, or felt like talking about it. Instead of rolling his eyes at Remus’s choice of language, every time in potions class when something would bubble the wrong way or blow up a bit in his face, he could always hear Sirius’s soft laugh after each exclamation of “fuck” he uttered. 

So he really wasn’t looking forward to seeing him again tonight, and explaining that absolutely nothing was going on in his love life, and nothing out of the mundane ever happened in his non-romantic life, either. He was, as Sirius would put it, still being really boring. 

He took a shower around four, and thought about what to do with his hair. He had never really ever done anything with his hair though, and decided today was probably not the time to start experimenting. Then he looked in his closet and thought about what to wear. Also not a lot of variety there. He decided on black jeans and a forest green cable knit sweater. If nothing else, at least he’d be comfortable physically; he was well aware he’d be feeling awkward all night. 

He left his flat a bit early, deciding to walk over even though it took some time. He could use the time to think. When he was a couple minutes away from the Potters’ house, he realized he’d be early so popped into a wine shop so as not to show up empty handed. He left with a bottle that he suspected was probably overpriced, but the girl who was working had recommended it wholeheartedly, and at least he wouldn’t be early now.

At exactly 6:10 he rang the bell to the house. He stood on the stairs, waiting for Lily or James to open the door, so was taken aback when the door opened and cool grey eyes were looking at him with a bit of surprise. 

“Remus! Hey! Long time, no see!” All surprise disappeared from Sirius’s eyes and he was smiling.

“Yeah, hey Sirius. Welcome back, I guess?”

There was an awkward pause and Remus really took Sirius in. He hadn’t changed much. He was wearing tight jeans, a t-shirt, and probably the same leather jacket he had always had. He could probably get away with it for another couple of years. His hair was a little shorter than it had been when Remus last saw him, but still fell down to just under his chin, in loose curls that Remus knew took him the better part of an hour to style every day. 

Sirius finally said, “Well, come on in. Don’t just stand there.”

“Well, I would, but you’re standing in the doorway, Si,” Remus cringed at himself that it had been years since he last talked to him and still nicknames rolled off his tongue that easily.

“You’re absolutely right I am,” Sirius said and moved out of the way, laughing. “Everyone’s back in the kitchen.”

Remus shuffled past Sirius, who closed the door behind him, and made his way through the house to the kitchen. 

“Lily’s a little pissed that you’re late,” Sirius said in a low voice that was way too close to his ear.

Remus jumped.

“Fucking hell, Sirius, give me a little warning before you’re directly in my ear like a creep,” he turned to glare at Sirius, but saw that he was laughing, and just gave a small smile himself and turned into the kitchen.

“Remus you’re ten minutes late,” Lily glared at him.

“I brought wine?” He offered sheepishly.

“Good man!” James said, taking the bottle from Remus and putting it on the kitchen counter. 

Remus walked around the kitchen and exchanged pleasantries with everyone there, before they all settled down to dinner. Dinner was entertaining, with Sirius telling stories of each place he’d been, everyone listening to each detail. Remus liked it like this. It was comfortable. He had liked that when he was with Sirius. He would take all the attention and the eyes of a whole room, and Remus could just sit and be and relax. After dinner, they moved with drinks out into the living room to continue chatting. A couple hours in, Remus checked his phone and saw that it was nearing 11. He didn’t have anywhere to be in particular the next day, but most of their friends had paired off and were talking about things like their kids and family vacations, and Remus usually took that as his cue to leave. 

He slipped off back into the kitchen to put his glass in the sink, and saw Sirius coming in from the back kitchen door. He was a little surprised with himself that he hadn’t noticed Sirius had stepped out. 

“Just stepped out for a smoke,” Sirius said as a way of explanation. 

“You really should quit, you know,” Remus replied, putting his glass in the sink. 

“Yet I seem to remember someone stealing cigarettes from me all the time not too many years back,” Sirius countered and Remus laughed. “What have you been up to these days, anyway?”

“Uhhh… I just work in a muggle bookstore.”

“So you get paid to read?”

“Well, it’s more like I try to read but the daftest people interrupt me all the fucking time because they can’t understand how alphabetical order works.”

Remus realized he may have sounded unnecessarily angry, but Sirius was laughing again.

“I’ve missed you, Rem,” and he was looking at him directly in the eyes again. 

Remus found himself contemplating on the rare color of Sirius’s eyes, and just how pretty they really were. That was definitely his cue to leave and definitely a sign he had drunk way more wine than he had intended to at the beginning of the night. 

“Well, it was nice to see you again, and if you’re around town we should meet up sometime, but I’m gonna head out now,” Remus started, absolutely hoping Sirius would never take him up on an offer to hang out one on one. 

Sirius jumped and grabbed Remus’s arm. 

“Can I use you as an excuse to leave too?”

“What?”

“Look, I love everyone out there, and it is really nice to be back home with everyone again, but I don’t know if I can talk about Harry and Neville’s preschools for another five minutes. It’s not really my thing.”

Remus completely understood. “Yeah, okay. Let’s go.”

They headed back out into the living room, and everyone was still drinking and being merry.

“Well I hate to be the first to go,” Remus lied, “but I’m going to head out now, it was great seeing everyone!”

“Oh, okay,” Lily said, standing up. “Thanks for coming. Are you okay to get back home?”

“I’m gonna walk him home, you know, make sure he gets in okay, then I’ll probably head home myself,” Sirius said casually.

“Uh-huh,” James said over his glass, throwing a wink in their general direction. “Have fun lads!”

Remus glared back at him, then said goodbye to everyone else, and headed to the front door, Sirius following him. 

At the sidewalk, Remus turned to Sirius.

“Okay, well, you’re in the clear now so I’ll see you later I guess.”

“Oh no, I’m absolutely getting you back home.”

“I’m not getting on your bike.”

“Then we’ll walk – how far is it?”

“You’re just going to leave your bike here?”

“Yeah, it’s fine, I’ll come back later.”

The walk back was less awkward than Remus had anticipated, but he did feel some of the silences were longer than they had to be. What had happened to Sirius taking nonstop all of the time? When they reached the front door to his building, he was a bit relieved. 

“Did you… want to come up? I have some beer in the refrigerator,” he had no idea what he was saying, but the words came out anyway. 

“If you’re offering,” Sirius smiled at him, and Remus unlocked the door to his building. 

The whole time waiting for the lift Remus was thinking of how bad of an idea this was. But there was really no reason to be nervous, was there? Sure, they had dated in the past, but they had also been best friends for much longer and starting much earlier than that. It was probably fine to go back to that, wasn’t it? 

“You have to press a button for it to move, as far as I remember,” Sirius said to him gently once they were inside the lift. 

“Right, yeah,” Remus could feel his cheeks getting heated. Had he really just gotten in then stared at the doors? 

They made it up to his floor, and Remus was once again wondering why he thought this was a good idea. 

“My flat’s really small, sorry,” he found himself apologizing as he unlocked his door. 

“Looks all right to me,” Sirius said, stepping in. 

He took a seat at the small kitchen table, and Remus went to his refrigerator, taking out two bottles, handing one to Sirius and sitting down himself. 

“So,” he started lamely. “Why’d you decide to move back?”

“If I tell you, you have to promise not to laugh.”

“I cannot promise that.”

Sirius smiled at him. “I actually wanted a bit more… stability.”

“You?!”

“I know, crazy right?” Sirius laughed, taking a sip of beer. “My turn then. Why are you working in a muggle bookstore when you’re the smartest person I know?”

“It has nothing to do with how smart I am, Sirius. It’s just…”

“Not difficult?”

Remus stopped mid-sip of his drink and put it down, looking sternly at Sirius. “You know it’s not that easy for me.”

“I know you sell yourself short way too often.”

“And I think trying to do anything else would end in nothing but a complete fucking disaster,” Remus could feel himself getting angry now, but also didn’t stop himself. 

The look on Sirius’s face softened. “I know, I’m sorry.”

“Me too,” Remus responded sharply, and he knew he should stop himself from doing this, but he didn’t. Sirius was trying to rebuild a friendship, at least, and Remus knew he wasn’t letting him. 

They kept drinking for a bit after that, Remus thinking of ways to send hints that it was probably time to end the night. 

“I sent you some postcards,” Sirius finally said.

“Yeah, I got them. I don’t really check my mail that often though so I hadn’t known if you had already moved on to the next place or not. Sorry for not responding,” Remus replied, knowing he was lying about his reasons for not responding. 

“I like your sweater,” Sirius continued with his seemingly random statements.

“No you don’t. You always said I dress like I’m ready for retirement.”

“Well… you do. But it’s a nice color. It brings out your eyes.”

This was going in a direction Remus was not comfortable with. He suddenly stood up. 

“Maybe you should go. Thanks for walking me back.”

He collected the empty bottle from in front of Sirius and his own and put the two on the kitchen counter next to the sink. 

When he turned around Sirius was standing as well, but incredibly close to him.

“Do you really want me to? Go?”

“Sirius.”

“I will if you say you really want me to.”

This was a challenge and Remus knew it was a challenge. So he looked directly into Sirius’s eyes with every intention of telling him to leave. 

“I… don’t,” he was also aware he had more to drink than he usually drank.

“Good,” Sirius said and put his arms on the counter on either side of Remus. “I don’t want me to leave either.”

“Well it is my house,” Remus rolled his eyes.

“Remus,” Sirius was looking at him intensely. “I really am sorry. About. Well, everything. I wasn’t a great boyfriend and I’m fully aware of that. It wasn’t fair to you.”

“I’m not mad at you, Sirius. I never was. I know I’m not great at communicating myself. I think we just got the timing wrong. Too young and too immature.”

“And now?”

“We're practically strangers again.”

“I don’t think that’s true.”

Remus looked down at Sirius. He was… very close. 

“I’m going to kiss you now,” was all he managed to say.

“I was standing this close in the hopes that you might.”

And so Remus did. Kiss him. And he didn’t stop for a while. It was getting a bit uncomfortable standing and snogging in his kitchen/dining room.

“Bedroom,” he managed to say then added, “it’s the door over there.”

“Why Remus Lynwood Lupin, I had no idea that the only other door in this flat could possibly lead to your bedroom.”

“You know damn well that's not my middle name,” Remus tried to sound angry, but Sirius’s lips were on his neck now and it felt nice. 

He opted just for pushing him back towards the door, kissing him again. Sirius’s back hit the door, and he opened it, half stumbling in. Remus turned on the light, and Sirius laughed.

“You are still an absolute messy disaster.”

“For fuck’s sake do you know how to shut up,” was all Remus managed to say as he pushed Sirius down onto his bed.

-

Morning. It had to be morning. Because sunlight was pouring in his window – Remus hadn’t remembered to close the curtains – and he could feel what would turn into a ridiculously terrible hangover if he sat up. He hadn’t thought he drank that much, perhaps just a bit more than usual, but the other night’s activities may have left him a bit dehydrated, which probably wasn't helping. He’d also have to apologize to Sirius for being a bit… aggressive last night. It had been a while since he’d gotten laid. 

Remus willed himself to move and rolled over to face Sirius. He was greeted with an empty half of the bed. He sighed to himself. Of course that was how this was going to go. They’d go back to pretending nothing ever happened at all ever between them, meet occasionally at friends’ parties, and be polite. 

He thought to check his phone and fumbled around to where it normally was on the bedside table, but only successfully knocked a few books down to the ground. Maybe he had left it out in the kitchen? He thought about getting up for a couple of seconds, when he heard it. A voice. From the kitchen.

“Yes, this is Sirius Black – his boyfriend. No, Sirius. Like the star. Yes, I know. Well, my parents were literally insane. Yes I know the definition of the word literally and I assure you I’m using it correctly.”

Who the fuck was Sirius taking to, and more importantly why was he saying that he was Remus’s boyfriend?

Remus got out of bed as fast as his body could, and opened his bedroom door to the kitchen.

Sirius smiled at him, holding Remus’s cell phone to his ear. 

“It’s your manager,” he explained, “he wants you to work today but I’m telling him that you can’t.”

“Sirius you can’t fucking talk to my boss give me the phone.”

“No it’s okay I have it under control.”

“Sirius give me the fucking phone. How do you even know how to use a cell phone?” Remus said and grabbed it from Sirius’s hand.

“Is… everything okay?” His manager asked from the other end of the line.

“Yeah, I’m really sorry. It was about covering today’s shift?”

“Why… why wouldn’t your boyfriend know how to use a phone?”

“Well, he’s really stupid you see, also, he’s not, actually, whatever,” Remus threw a pointed glare at Sirius, who looked quite pleased with himself. “I could come in later today.”

“No, it seems like you have a lot of plans. I’ll call someone else,” and with that, his manager ended the call. 

“Sirius!”

“Remus!”

“You can’t just answer my phone like that!”

“Why not? I know how to talk to people. I’ve been told I’m very charming.”

“It’s my job! My place of employment!”

“Yeah and it sounded like you weren’t scheduled today so I don’t see why you’d have to work. It’s not your fault other people can’t keep their obligations.”

Remus sighed and felt his headache getting stronger. In fact, he was being transported back to approximately seven years before. It felt… annoying yet oddly comfortable. 

“Why did you say you were my boyfriend?”

“Well would you rather have your boss thinking random guys slept over your house and answered your phone?”

“You could just not answer my phone!”

“Well first I was taking to Lily cause she called – she was mad you didn’t tell her you got back okay – and then right after that guy called so.”

“Lily called? And you picked up?” Remus was tugging at his hair now. So much for not letting their friends know that whatever they were doing was now a thing again. If it was a thing. And not a one-time deal. 

“Stop,” Sirius said, taking Remus’s hand from his hair and running his own fingers through it. “Your poor hair.”

“I need coffee,” Remus said, disentangling himself from Sirius and going over to his cupboards. He took down just coffee out of habit, but thought to ask, “coffee or tea?”

“Coffee’s good,” Sirius said, and he put his arms around Remus’s waist and kissed his neck from behind.

Remus thought that he was definitely too hungover to deal with this. 

“Can you just… sit at the fucking table, okay?”

“Okay,” Sirius drawled out, but surprisingly did as he was told.

Remus put down one coffee mug in front of Sirius when it was ready, and sat down with his on the other side. 

“What are you doing?” He demanded.

“Well right now I’m drinking this coffee that you so graciously made for me.”

“You know what I mean. This is weird. We had sex last night.”

“Well we’d had sex before last night as well so I’d say it’s no weirder than it was at any other time.”

“What do you want from this?”

“Whatever you want to give me.”

Remus was ready to roll his eyes again at Sirius, when he saw that he was looking at him intently and with honesty. 

“It was… well, quite honestly it was a fucking disaster last time, Sirius.”

“I think we can learn from our mistakes.”

“Can we?”

“I want to try if you do,” Sirius said honestly and Remus felt that was always something he had admired about Sirius. How honest he was about how he was feeling. Sure, sometimes that feeing was anger or frustration that bubbled over way too readily, but it could also be soft feelings like honesty and love. “Also the sex is top-notch.”

And there it was. “You really haven’t changed you know,” Remus sighed, but he was smiling into his coffee mug. 

“I think I have in the parts that matter. And for what it’s worth, I think you have too.”

“Then… I think I’d like to try too.”

“Brilliant!” Sirius grinned at him from across the table, and finished the last of his coffee. “I would have felt bad if I had been lying to your manager, saying I was your boyfriend if I wasn’t. It’s okay if I use your shower, yeah?”

“Yeah, go ahead. It’s the other _other_ door in my flat.”

Sirius grinned at him, got up, and went into the bathroom.

“Remus Milton Lupin, your bathroom is also a disaster.”

“That's not…” Remus started, but just shook his head. “Can’t even put his own fucking coffee mug away,” he finished, to himself, standing up and collecting the mugs. 

Standing over the sink, he washed them out, putting them on the drying rack. This felt familiar. In a way that felt extremely dangerous, as Remus was well aware of how good Sirius was at dismantling every single wall he had built up so carefully since childhood. He was also aware of all the emotions that would allow back in. The ability for one person to be able to destroy him so completely was, honestly, extremely frightening. But it also allowed in the ability for him to fall in love again. It had been so long since that happened. Maybe the timing was right this time. The only way to find out was to try it and see. Hopefully this time it didn’t end as a disaster. 

“Are you joining me in the shower or not?!” Sirius yelled from the bathroom.

“Spoiled brat,” Remus muttered to himself, a smile on his lips.


End file.
